The Choko Vine
I had not long left the service and had so much time on hand
I tried to set up a vegie patch, on my little piece of land
It was not an easy venture, with heatwaves , frost and rain
So much sweat and trouble, for such little gain
The wife likes making pickles, jams, preserves and relish
Spare fruit, she bottles up and chutneys, hot and hellish
But there is one thing that I can grow and it suits me fine
Cause it rarely ends in failure, when you plant a choko vine
They fed the nation through depression and in time of war
They served them up as canned pears, I’ll give you the score
For they sustained the country, through good times and the bad
To the many hungry, it was the only sustenance they had
Just dig a hole and pop them in. but there’s one you should know
Don’t plant too many at one time, or you’ll reap just what you sow
They’ll spread just like a virus, covering everything in sight
If you leave them unattended, you’re bound to get a fright
We decided to take a holiday, but our relaxing break was marred
When we returned the flaming things, had taken over the backyard
The minister for war confronted me, with an attitude of doom
Saying “That bloody plant of yours, has invaded the spare room!”
You go outside to cut it back and for some unknown reason
You always seem to trip over, the rake you lost last season
Just a simple footstep, made with undue care
Next thing that you know, you’re flying through the air
They had sprung up everywhere and to tell the truth it begs
It was like a horror movie, the feckin things had legs
The wife tried to console me, saying. “There’s one thing you should know
If you want to save our marriage, the chokos have to go.”
It took all my strength to pull it out, but my attempts were all in vain
For as soon as I thought it had gone, it grew right back again
I tried every type of poison, it was such a hard slog
I even brewed up a potion, that would kill a brown dog
Then Jock gave me a bottle, saying. “Only use a wee dram
I think it is the same shite, they sprayed in Vietnam”
The missus wasn’t talking and really had a spat
Saying. “The only thing that you have killed, is next doors Persian cat”
The army came to my rescue, saying “There’s a role that you can fill
We are looking for a small jungle patch, your backyard fits the bill”
We’ll pay you well for your help, in letting your chokos grow
And think of all the time you’ll have, now you don’t have to mow
Now everyone is happy, the way it all turned out
Multiple solutions, from a single sprout
And there is one thing I know and boast without fear
If one single vine remains, it will all grow back next year
By Tomas ‘Paddy’ Hamilton
30 May 2021
CAPTION: Australian Army Private Sam Randall and Corporal James Milne from the 8th/9th Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment on Exercise Wolf Crawl (February 2021), at the Canungra Field Training Area, Queensland. Base photo by Private Jacob Hilton – digitally added to by CONTACT.
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